Look for the signs

It’s going to be a long week. I have been having trouble sleeping. Combine that with the fact that our Phillies are playing into the later hours, and I have been all but useless the last couple of days. Of course, my schedule is jammed packed, so it’s been challenging to stay alert.

Last night, as I watched our beloved Phillies beat the Dodgers, I sat in front of my TV at home. At the stadium, however, the frenzied crowd chanted various phrases including the traditional ones like, “Charge!” and “Here we go, Phillies, here we go!”

However, every time Manny Ramirez came to the plate, the chants became less traditional. You will remember that Manny was caught using steroids earlier this year – actually I think it was labeled a ‘female hormone’ - but either way he was given a 55 game suspension by the MLB, a suspension he already completed. I have been told that Philadelphia is a particularly brutal town to be the away team, but I have no other frame of reference.

I was intrigued by the taunting of Manny, even signs pointing out his error, all on national TV. Now, many of us would claim that it goes with the territory, kind of like you do the crime you do the time, and that’s how I felt at first.

Then I imagined myself walking down the street with people carrying signs outlining all my indiscretions.

“Don’t deny you’ve told a lie.”

“No need to repeat, Wendy’s a cheat.”

You get the idea.

For some reason, we love to continue to punish people, don’t we? Forget the macro example of Manny Ramirez, how about in our homes? Do we revisit people’s (spouse, children, family, neighbor) sins over and over? Perhaps we do not chant, but does our behavior toward these folks suggest that forgiveness is a long way off – or forgetness will never come???

I suspect that I am not going to convince an entire city, one that is pretty revved up right now, to stop taunting Manny, but that same city has reminded me to let others off the hook – to practice tangible forgiveness.

“No need to hide, I’m on your side.”

Thank you, Kristin

Something interesting happened the other day, and at the risk of my friends being afraid to relate to me for fear our interaction end up on the blog, I’m going to tell you about it.

My oldest son had a game yesterday afternoon. It was an away game, and we had to travel about 20 miles to get to the other school - this requiring that I pick my younger children up early from school. Normally, they would be fine with it, but both of them had subjects yesterday afternoon that they did not want to miss, so our only option was to find a willing friend to care for them after school.

Mia chose her BFF, and so my husband called and made all the arrangements. J.J. chose his buddy, the E-man, and I called his mother (who is my buddy) to see if she minded having J.J. for a couple of hours.

After I asked her over the phone, she responded with the most interesting thing. She said, “Oh that would be fine. Thank you for calling and asking.”

Now you may not see what I see in those two sentences, but for a moment I felt so blessed. Here I was, asking for a favor that in some way inconveniences my friend, and she THANKED me for the opportunity.

I want to be the kind of person who is TRULY THANKFUL for the chance to serve, the opportunity to be inconvenienced in order to make another person feel cared for. It is deeply profound if you think about it, because even as Christians we know that serving another person is what Christ modeled for us, but how often is it a forced behavior and not an involuntary outflow of a Christ-filled heart?

I understand that loving and serving and being inconvenienced is sometimes hard, and I even know that it is a choice to pursue such a path. But it’s not just good for the world to serve, it is good for me. I am being shaped and matured every time I dare to do it.

I want to be thankful for the heart that is being made inside me as I serve the world outside me.

Am I smarter than a 4th grader?

My 9 year old daughter, Mia, had a Science quiz yesterday. As we were reviewing the information that she needed to regurgitate, I came across the most interesting sentence for 4th grade curriculum.

The notes were based on “working in a Science Team.” There were suggestions about listening and completing your tasks well. There were different team roles spelled out, like “Task Manager” and “Skill Builder.” I was impressed with all of these.

It wasn’t until I reached a section entitled, “Special Team Skills” that I stopped short. Third, on a list of three, the following skill was spelled out:

Criticize ideas, not people.

I paused momentarily and my daughter asked why I stopped reading. I looked up at her and smiled.

“Mommy is learning from your Science notes,” was what I said. This truth pleased my daughter.

Talk about a special skill, huh?! How often have I criticized a politician or friend or family member instead of questioning their ideas?

Admittedly, “Are you crazy?” is a common question I ask my husband.

Second on Mia’s list was:

Entertain lots of ideas before coming to a conclusion.

Sheesh. What ever happened to graduated cylinders and dissecting frogs?

Just like in Science, I think it is more than important to have a discerning mind and sharp intellect. Some ideas are just bad ones – in our government, in our culture, in our homes - and should be challenged. But as Christians, do we challenge ideas or do we contribute to the hostility and defensiveness of the world by criticizing people?

Once again, we return to the idea of defending the space to love someone over defending our “morality.” Honest dialogue is critical to the healing of the world, but if no one feels safe enough to talk, no one feels safe enough to change.

Spam

Last spring, my sons joined a free fantasy baseball league online and used my email address for their contact information. Since that very second, I have been inundated with spam. I have won the lottery in the UK several times. I have been promise that Viagra will give me the much needed boost I need. I have been invited to study online to become a cosmetologist. And I have been guaranteed to lose 50 lbs. this week using the same method Oprah did.

Spam must work or it wouldn’t be so prolific. But it sure is annoying.

I nosied in on a back & forth on Facebook last week that was interesting. I did not comment myself (amazing self-restraint, huh?) but the whole thing left me puzzled.

A Christian friend of mine posted something about being proud that her 1st grader was saying the Pledge of Allegiance every day, and that the words still included “Under God.” Nice and no big deal, right? WRONG.

Another gentleman, an agnostic, took opposition to her post and made plain his feeling that people shouldn’t be forced to say something they simply do not believe – after all, “this is the United States of America.”

A firestorm began, with tons of folks jumping in. I read the comments with interest, especially the Christians defending their faith. I read everything from, “You have chosen to put intellect over faith, but I have chosen to put faith over intellect…”

Sheesh. I hope the two are not mutually exclusive.

Then there was, “I will pray that the Lord Jesus reveals Himself to you….:” without any discourse or acknowledgement of what the agnostic man believes to be true.

Naturally, there was the whole “Christian nation” and “God Bless America” business as usual – even a little sprinkling of “our founding fathers built this nation under God…”

It almost seemed like spam, but it certainly wasn’t working.

Then, in an unrelated post, a pastor friend of mine posted this on Facebook: Welcoming diversity doesn't just mean inviting other folks to the table - it means giving up our unilateral right to choose the menu.

Please don’t hear me watering down Truth. There is Absolute Truth. But just like spam, a little research reveals our biases weren’t truth at all.

I hope the Lord Jesus reveals Himself to us all.

Communicating and other impossibilities

I have experienced two full weeks of difficulty with communication – both on my part and on the part of others. I was reflecting on this phenomenon last night and I realized that good communication (dare I hope for great communication?) is one of the hardest things to achieve.

When a bunch of folks, or just two married people, try to express themselves, we often forget all the unseen stuff that contributes to the words and style. Ego needs, past hurts, previous experiences, points of view, needs to be recognized (and the beat goes on and on….) all play a part in every word, facial expression and forms of body language that we use. It makes it hard to not only talk, but to understand, doesn’t it?

For me, I am having trouble communicating for a variety of reasons. My friend has died and I can’t quite get my arms around it, so I find myself being angry with unsuspecting living people who are surprised at my responses. I am surprised myself.

I have also been witness to a group of coaches that are so poorly communicating that chaos is ensuing – all because everyone must have his way in a fairly simply solved situation. It still surprises me how quickly things escalate to criticism, sarcasm and power-playing. BUT, if I am truthful, my inner scathing responses to what I perceive to be their outer scathing responses are contributing to the problem, not making peace. Ugh! Makes you want to live under a rock and never relate again.

SO, today, I am disallowing another two weeks of difficult talk by working on uncovering the stuff that contributes to it. If I know that I am grieving, maybe I should talk about that sadness and not transfer all my unsettled feelings into other conversations. Avoidance doesn’t really work, although I think backing away has its merits until self-control can be established.

I really do long to understand you, to really hear and absorb your ideas. I may not agree, but I can always extend the love and respect that you deserve.

On a side note: if you are a believer, I believe that we need to spend time praying for the people of Iran today. God is there and He is working – do not doubt it.

Same old, same new

If you’re visiting the blog for the first time today, you have not been privy to my gruesome house stories. You’re blessed, believe me. Suffice it to say, I have had oil and water problems downstairs that have caused quite an adventure.

The problems have also forced me to clean up. Part of the problem took place in the furnace room that held a lot more junk than furnace. Now that I can finally move things back into place, it has proved to be the perfect occasion to sort through all the stuff I have been moving from place to place for 25 years but haven’t looked at.

I have found some pretty interesting stuff – some funny, some sad, some too embarrassing to discuss (even for me). One thing I uncovered were the journals I kept while in London.

Smiling as I opened them up, I recalled how faithfully I wrote it all down, not wanting to forget a single moment of my time there. There were pages and pages of musings and memories and QUESTIONS. So, right in the middle of the clutter I was supposed to be organizing, I sat down for a read.

I am sort of please to tell you that the questions I had in the late 80s are different than the questions I have today – well, most of them anyway. And yet, I discovered that I am still the same in many ways. Some excerpts as examples:

“Starting tomorrow I begin living on rolls, old crackers, flat Coke and anything I can get Cindy to pay for.” Cindy was my roommate. I have never had money in my pocket, thus my husband’s insistence on keeping the checkbook.

Then there’s this one:

“Deserving comment is Andy’s first sexual experience. Apparently, the couple in the flat next to ours just got married. Andy keeps waking everyone up, telling us to listen. How he will function as a normal adult someday is beyond me.” Last I heard, Andy is married with 3 kids. Guess I was wrong about the normal adult thing.

One of my favorites was:

“Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not bright. I’m afraid I sound as ridiculous as some people sound to me, and I just don’t know it.” A classic, huh?

Yet I did discover some moments when God was growing me up. Moments like:

“It is truly wonderful when you become so comfortable with someone that you can scratch your butt in front of her. That’s how I feel with Cindy. Heavens knows we’re different! She’s the planful [sic] bossy sophisticate. I’m the disorganized dreaming bum. It pisses her off when I get an A without studying. It pisses me off when she tries to mother me. But she NEEDS to organize, to KNOW and to instruct. She feels important and needed by me if she’s showing me the way. So, because I love her, I let her tell me, even if I am already quite aware of the proper direction I should be taking. On the other hand, she sits through all my performances and gives me honest critique. She will stay up all night and help me memorize lines that I procrastinated learning. And even though she says, ‘I told you so’ and I say, ‘Get off my case’ – we stick with each other. It’s friendship for real.”

Twenty years later, I have found better words than “pisses” to express my feelings of relational frustration, but I am still trying to choose the harder, more narrow path of real love and community. Even when it ticks me off.

Loosing faith

Last night, I read THIS intriguing article entitled, “Americans not losing their religion, but changing it often.” Feel free to click here and give it a read if you’re interested.

The writer bases his conclusions on “a huge new survey by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life.” Basically, the survey suggests that Americans are migrating – but the article also suggests that we are migrating within Christianity. The better title for the article may have been, “Americans not losing their denomination, but changing it often.”

Here’s what I think. We are not losing faith, we are loosing it. Those who long for the “good old days” – you know, those days when church and country were “priorities” – may have tainted memories. Obeying an institution and fulfilling a duty does not a Christian make, and frankly, if the old days did produce Christians, America would look very different than it does today. Please don't read criticism of the past here, please read a honest reflection toward a hope-filled future.

People seem to be trying to embrace the real Church – a community of believers who love God and the world without condition. This kind of faith will let loose on the world as it expresses itself with extravagant love, outrageous forgiving and irrepressible generosity of spirit – all in response to what Jesus has done.

I have never been in danger of losing my faith, but I certainly am trying to loose it.

Eye opening irritants

My son, J.J., spends his summers with red, bloodshot eyes. The first year this happened, I became worried about eye infections and chlorine and other medical journal possibilities. When his problem persisted, I took him to the doctor and discovered that there was another source of his problem – baseball dust. Already this year, and it is only late April, J.J. eyes look like something out of slasher film because the infield dirt that he plays in all the time is an irritant for him. His mother needs to buy some eye drops - a remedy to help him out a little.

Yesterday, I was sitting watching my older son’s travel team play. Yes, his arm is in a cast, but we have been sitting with these players and parents for years now and a strange sort of community has been formed. I wanted to be there.

During a particularly exciting part of the game, another mother asked me a question and I snapped at her. I mean, I totally expressed my frustration and the tension I was feeling (about all kinds of things, not just the baseball game) in my voice and I hurt her feelings – in front of others. It only lasted a nano second, but I still couldn’t get it back.

Everyone on the bleachers got quiet all of the sudden. I took a deep breath, and I apologized. I meant it, too. I asked her to forgive me and I admitted that I it had nothing to do with her. Another mom asked me if I was okay because it seemed so out of character. The whole thing made me sad.

I thought about that moment for a long time and I realized that part of my apology wasn’t true. This particular woman - the one I was harsh with – irritates me and that’s the truth. The things she says and the way she says them, get in my eyes and under my skin and they have for years. The moment on the bleachers was a build up over time and I decided to investigate why.

Here’s what I discovered: Many of the traits the woman possesses, the ones that irritate me the most, are ones that I know that I also possess. They are the very things that irritate me about ME, the things that I suspect irritate the people that are around me a lot. She’s loud (I’m loud), she’s free with her opinion (I’m free with my opinion), she’s hard on the players (inside my mind, I can be too), etc, etc, etc… You get the point. Even though we may not say the same things or think in the same ways – the very moments that I find irritating about her can reveal truth about me. With so much dust in my eyes, it’s no wonder I can’t see it all clearly.

I have decided to pray for both of us with intentionality in the days ahead. I suspect it may prove even more eye opening, or maybe even the remedy to help me out of this a little.

The Name Game

We have a game that we play as a family. Truth be told, it is an old college drinking game (not that I ever played one of those) where one person says the name of a famous person and the next person must think of another person whose first name starts with the same letter as the last name of the person before (confused yet?). It is supposed to go very fast, but we take it slow at the Melchior’s.

During a recent car version of the game, J.J. suddenly said, “You know what I’m going to name my son, if I ever have one?”

“Tell me,” I said back.

“Ja’Derrick,” was his reply, and then he spelled it out,”Big J small A apostrophe big D small E-R-R-I-C-K.”

I paused a minute before I answered. I was confounded, to say the least, but wanted to respect J.J. choices. But it only took a second of imagining myself 20 years from now telling my friends at the garden club meeting that my grandson’s name was Ja’Derrick to suddenly start pursuing a line of questioning.

“What an interesting name,” was how I cautiously began, “did you invent it?”

My son glanced at me with that incredulous of course not look on his face. “No, I didn’t make it up. I read it in a word problem in my math book. It said, ‘Ja’Derrick and Ahmed decided to run a 100 yard race to see who was faster. They both knew that Ja’Derrick was much faster than Ahmed because Ahmed could run 4 yards per second and Ja’Derrick could run 6 yards per second. So, Ja’Derrick decided to give Ahmed a 10 yard head start. Who wins the race?”

One of the things that I love about my children, and many of their friends, is how they have completely embraced different cultures. When I was a kid, even though there was not a hint of intentional racism in my home, if I was describing a kid at school I would say, “He’s the black guy who wears the Chuck Taylor’s…” or whatever. I was not judging him based on the color of his skin, but I was identifying him by it.

My children do not do that. Names like Kushal and Ramya and Miguel and Joe and Malik and Victoria and Chan and Kioski and Justin are all said at the dinner table without any other descriptors. "Chan told the funniest joke today" and "Malik got an A on the English test" or "I think Ramya likes Joe."

Ja’Derrick Melchior is growing on me. At least he is kind enough to give the other kid a head start – and in the long run - that’s what really matters. My math skills aren't good enough to figure out if he wins or not.

LOST

I never watched the show LOST. It always intrigued me, but since I missed the first seasons, I just never dared jump in – until last week.

We were at our dear friends’ (the Kelly’s) home for our annual Egg Hunt in the Dark which requires flashlights and eggs covered with reflector tape. It is an annual tradition, and the adults love it as much as the kids.

After most of the eggs were found (some may still be in forgotten places) we all settled in to play a game. I happened to look up and saw the boxes for LOST Season 1 and LOST Season 2 on the TV wall unit. Hmmm…

I have since had sleepless nights due to my LOST obsession. What a great idea the creator had, and I have been fascinated by his/her depiction of humanity.

In case I am not the only one who never watched LOST, the basic premise is that a group of people are involved in a plane crash and end up on a seemingly deserted island. How they form a society and how each character sees his or her role in the new society is crazy fun to observe. On top of it all, we are given flashback looks into the lives of each person to help us understand why they respond in the ways they do.

I often feel lost in society and I can really relate to how hard and complicated real relationships can be. How great would it be to have flashback looks for the people we meet and love? Just a minute or two of insight, then back to the conversation at hand? Instead, we have to listen and patiently nurture trust with others – even when we do not fully understand their responses.

I’m not really lost. No, I have been deeply found, but the journey can still be a profound mystery at times. I just want to be willing to love – even without knowing everybody's information.

By the way, I’m only halfway in to Season 2. No telling.

Any similarity to actual people

You know how some TV shows have a disclaimer at the beginning? Usually it reads something like, “The events depicted are fictional. Any similarity to actual people or events is purely coincidental.” LAW & ORDER does it a lot, but in most cases, the plot of the show then goes on to closely mirror a current news story. So, even though we are all told to not look for common denominators, we all know exactly where the idea actually came from.

I saw the disclaimer last night, and my mind wandered to a recent conversation I had. Often people talk in disclaimers, don’t they? Acting as if we are speaking in generalities or harmlessly making broad statements, the listener clearly gets our real meaning and often it is a specific message about a certain person or event. Those who are experts at this kind of manipulation/communication somehow end up looking chaste as well. It’s an art form.

I don’t want to look innocent, I want to be innocent – whether I look it or not. I want my talk to be clean, without innuendo or disclaimers. It isn’t always. Just last Saturday, I was asked about some of the decisions on my plate, and I said a few things I shouldn’t have, things I wish I could get back.

NO DISCLAIMER LIVING. I don’t think it’s purely coincidental.

O the world changing clutter!

Last week (or maybe before that) my friend Beth told me that I had to watch Oprah. Ms. Winfrey is on a de-cluttering kick, a kick I wish I could get on. I used my DVR to record the late night rerun and watched as Peter Walsh instructed me on my way to organized bliss.

So, he said one thing that really caught my attention. For those of us that cannot seem to find a place for anything, he insists that before we introduce ANYTHING new into the house, we must choose what we are getting rid of – or as he said, “Throw away, donate or sell.”

Interestingly, I got together over the weekend with the beloved 20somethings that I used to pastor. It was so great to be with them, to hear their stories, to hear them laugh, to catch up. Two particularly lovely women named Meredith and Wendy (you can never go wrong with a Meredith and Wendy) are living out their faith in such beautiful ways, one of which is that they never acquire anything new without giving three things away to someone in need. I use the word “new” loosely, because they opt to shop at thrift shops and clothing swaps. They are battling the consumerism that has ensnared us all and I admire their efforts.

Part of living in community is inspiring one another to greater faith. Wendy and Meredith inspire me and I am currently de-cluttering in a combination Oprah/Wendy/Meredith sort of way. I am not getting anything new, but I have decided to give more away. There are a lot of people in need right now, and I suspect God wants them cared for.

Look around. What can you live without? Not your potential yard sale fodder, but what do you love that would bless someone else and who does God want you to give it to? Giving your best, instead of your extra, is a revolutionary idea. One that just might change the world.

Moving toward loveliness

A couple of posts ago, I so appreciated the honesty that Todd shared in his comment. Here’s what he wrote:

I don’t think this is the first time you’ve blogged about 1 Corinthians 13. This is a tough passage because it’s the kind that reminds us just how far from perfection we really are. (Maybe I’m just talking about myself here.) Clearly there is no value in acting out of insincere motives, i.e. we shouldn’t give in order to receive. Anyway, I’m interpreting the passage to mean that love is THE barometer of maturity. If this is true, I’m a little worried because there seems to be a link between love and feelings/motivation/drive. And for me, I frequently have to act out of obedience, not necessarily insincere motives, but not necessarily love either. I’m hoping there’s some love in obedience, but I’m not feeling it.

So, how do we start moving towards genuine love – the kind that requires obedience but is supported by heart feelings and motivation?

I suspect there is a work that God wants to do within us that makes space for His real love. If we are honest, we are filled up with other stuff, aren’t we? Because of the assault/withdrawal that we have either experienced or participated in (see yesterday’s post) we are not functioning all that well, and we find ourselves living from a defensive posture. Defending our perspectives, defending our choices, defending our practices (often this is completely internal) – and as we spend monumental amounts of time ascertaining how we are affected by the world around us – we develop habits to protect our assumptions.

Let’s start with a simple one. Who wants to look good to others? We all do, right? Unfortunately, however, we spend so much time and energy either creating scenarios to improve our standing or expending effort to hide what will make us look bad, that it becomes a way of life. Sometimes, we are so entrenched in the upkeep that we are unaware of the truth that there is another way to live.

There is.

As we abandon defensiveness, pretense begins to vanish from our lives, making room for something genuine – genuine love. Without the constant burden of defending ourselves, we can extend blessing and redemption to others.

Abandoning defensiveness is a group effort – you, me and God. God offers us His Grace, we offer grace to one another, and as I’ve said over a thousand times on this blog, GRACE MAKES PEOPLE FEEL SAFE. SAFE PEOPLE ARE SECURE ENOUGH TO CHANGE AND BE CHANGED.

And here’s where the motivation comes in. As a Christian, I am motivated to be vulnerable first. Knowing fully that I may get hurt or disappointed or ridiculed, I still refuse to become defensive. Why? Well, because since I am a follower of Jesus, I am defined by Him and Him alone. If I live bathed in His grace, there's nothing to defend. I am then motivated to see His kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven, when the world will know the peace, safety, grace and LOVE that comes from knowing Him, and everyone can lay their armor down.

Besides, I’m not really going first. Jesus already paved the defenseless way…

Lovelessness

Sometimes you have to go backward to see ahead. Today, let’s talk about lovelessness instead of love itself. Hopefully, a look at the wrong will help us with the right.

There is a book that I highly recommend entitled, Renovation of the Heart in Daily Practice, by Dallas Williard. Dr. Williard writes this about lovelessness in it:

Sin in our social dimension takes two forms of lovelessness: assault (attack) and withdrawal (distancing). If spiritual formation in Christ is to succeed, the power of assault and withdrawal must be broken so they are eliminated as indwelling realities or as postures we take toward others. They also must be successfully disarmed as they come toward us. They must be eliminated in our social environment - family or household, those with whom we work or play, our community – but especially in the fellowship of Christ’s followers.

We assault others when we act against what is good for them, even with their consent….We withdraw from others when we are indifferent to their well-being or perhaps even despise them. We “don’t care.” Withdrawal is usually a form of assaulting those we withdraw from. And assault usually involves distancing ourselves as well.

Spiritual formation in Christ will mean becoming persons who would not (and therefore do not) assault others. A verbal assault (which can be done in refined as well as brutal ways – we speak of a “cutting remark”) is specifically designed to hurt its object and to inflict loss of respect in a person’s own eyes and before others. Many people never recover from a particular verbal assault, harassment, or degrading treatment….But withdrawal also wounds. The tongue can assault by withdrawal, by not speaking.

As assault and withdrawal are eliminated, the social area of our lives becomes what God intended: constant mutual blessing. Every contact with a human being should be one of goodwill and respect, with a readiness to make way for the other in suitable ways.

We’re not going to get to the depths of this in one post, but even if we just think about our own tendencies - do I attack or withdraw or both? – it would be a start. Be sure and see the subtleties as well – simply being indifferent to someone’s well-being is lovelessness. Love PROMOTES good, it doesn’t just cease hostilities. In other words, it is far more than doing no harm.

I heart real love

I heard a great sermon on Sunday, and I thought I would share some of what I have been thinking about since. The sermon was based on 1 Corinthians 13 – perhaps one of the most well known pieces of Scripture ever – especially if you’ve ever been to a Christian wedding! It goes like this:

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)

So, why is LOVE important?

Without it, all I SAY is ineffective. “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” Did you ever encounter someone that may have good things to say, but the way they say them made it impossible to hear? It happens in the church all the time, because we can speak religious words, but if love is not the foundation of our lives, we can actually be destructive instead of holy.

Without love, all that I KNOW is incomplete. “If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge… but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” People don’t want a know-it-all, they want a love-it-all. Love makes people safe enough to learn.

Without love, all I BELIEVE is insufficient. “…and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” This truth is one of the hardest for Christians to grasp, because, frankly, our belief doesn’t count if it’s not based on love. Ouch. You mean, it may be more that reciting a “Sinner’s Prayer?”

Without love, all I GIVE is insignificant. “If I gave everything I have to the poor… but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.” This particular verse should cause a real heart check, because often we think that giving is loving. But the motives behind giving are sneaky sometimes – we can actually give for self-seeking reasons or out of obligation – and a regular searching of our hearts is in order.

Without love, all I ACCOMPLISH is inadequate. “If I…even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.” Yes, love acts, but Paul is telling us that even martyrs can have incorrect intentions. I think, today, we can work and work and work for God (whether inside or outside the church) but often we accomplish things as a part of striving, not as a reflection of what God has done for us. Understanding what drives us it critical.

I am going to work through some of these ideas more in depth this week. In essence, I am going to think out loud as I process what this means for myself. I may not get it all right, but I hope you’ll join me anyway, because REAL LOVE is hard to resist. And, honestly, who would want to?

Just between us

This kingdom journey that we’re on, if we are Christians, is profoundly social. Anyone who says, “My spiritual life is private. It’s just between me and God,” deeply misunderstands both God and himself/herself. God is in Himself a sweet society of love where Three Persons complete a social matrix. AND Jesus gave us a sure mark of our spiritual formation by saying, “Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” The nature of God, and His people who are made in His image, is inherently communal.

I was talking to an old friend this weekend, one who I used to see every day, but now only catch a glimpse of occasionally. We were mourning the loss of one another and of the community we once shared. When God cements people together, He means it, and there is a very real grieving that follows a loss.

What I am more concerned with, though, is not the changing or shifting of relationships – that is part of life – but I fear the idea that some of us have that we do not need each other to be formed spiritually. You are critical to my life with God, and I am critical to yours. What an awesome responsibility and privilege we have as we encourage one another!

This truth extends to our need for church. I have a friend who is disillusioned with the church and always says to me, “Wendy, I can find God far more easily out in the woods walking by myself than in a pew on Sunday morning.”

Hear me out on this. I do believe that there are destructive churches out there – ones that have damaged and terribly hurt people. I am deeply sorry if this is the way you feel, and I apologize for unloving Christians. Sometimes we just don’t get it. I also believe that the smells and sights and sounds of nature are a great way to experience the Creator and His genius.

On the flip side, though, God uses community to refine and renew us - to TRANSFORM us. The gathering of people (i.e. church) is one of the ways that God speaks and teaches and comforts and reveals Himself. But we need to submit to community.

We really do need each other and we really do need church. You can help God smooth out my rough edges and prickly parts. I’d love to do the same for you.

A litmus life

I understand the idea of New Year’s resolutions, and I know why we make them at the beginning of a new year. I suspect, however, that we should rethink the whole deal here in the east. Perhaps we should make “Mid-May Resolutions” – find a time of year when it is easier to stick to that “extra outdoor walking” that we committed ourselves to. It has been too cold to move here in Philadelphia.

Since we are past January, perhaps many of us have given up on those whispered promises we made at 11:37 pm on December 31. I made two, which I am happy to report are still in the works (one being the use of a day timer). When the dentist’s office called last week to remind me of my appointment, it was the first time in years that I already knew before I answered the phone.

One thing I did differently this year is put more accountability into my life. I have had accountability in the past, but I always chose girlfriends that let me off the hook too easily if I gave up or failed. I handily chose these friends over and over. Not this year.

I am accountable to my agent for writing (deadlines, ugh). I am accountable to a friend for eating. I am accountable to my children for the day timer thing (believe me, children REMEMBER to check on you). Basically, I chose real litmus people – people who love me, but also hound me with the truth.

It’s hard to have a litmus life. It would be far easier to whisper promises to myself so that when I am unsuccessful, no one knows but me or to have secret dreams that I never share, so that I can stay afraid to try. Submitting to community is far more difficult than living with just me, because I seem to always let myself off the hook.

Find a truth-teller. They hurt, but they’re worth it.

Pitch peace

Regular readers know that my kids play baseball. Regular readers also know that I continue to work through feelings and issues concerning youth sports leagues.

Last year, a couple of parents got upset about what I believe were very solvable issues. Instead of participating in peace-keeping discussions, impulsive decisions were made and the gossip and hearsay flew through the neighborhoods. Very small issues became larger than life and proved divisive to the program and to the community at large. The fractured group formed their own team.

A new season is on the horizon, and the separation has become more pronounced, with purchased newspaper blurbs insisting that one group exists to advocate “for the kids” – thus implying the other has more devious and ulterior motives.

In my ever-so-humble opinion, there is a lot of blame to go around (if blame even needs to be placed) and both groups involved in the distress have proven themselves disappointing at different times.

But, ah, there’s the rub, isn’t it? One thing that I have learned about opinions, as I have watched it all unfold, is that people will go to great lengths to defend their perspectives. I readily admit that I have caught myself passionately defending my opinion of the whole situation. And aren’t we adept at presenting our opinions as facts, instead of the bias points of view that they actually are?

I want Christ to inform every part of my life, and when I allow Him to meddle in baseball, I am reminded that He wants me to discharge peace, not opinion. There is no way that I see the whole situation clearly. I simply do not have all the facts, and even if I did, I have relationships and emotional attachments that skew the facts inside my mind. Since my view point is tainted, it’s just a better idea to see things from God’s view point instead.

So, what does God think about the baseball woes?

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

“Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“Do everything without complaining or arguing…”

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you.”

So, once again, I am reminded that there are far more important things than my reputation or field maintenance or which kid played first base or whether we won the game or who’s a better coach. I know, from God’s perspective, that peace in the community takes priority over my opinions, even over my hurts, and I need to launch words that promote it.

That’s what it really means to be “for the kids.” Fractured and new leagues are not the answer, but how our children see us behave as we process inevitable conflict will help them grow to be better men.

Odds are, our children will not play in the MLB, but even if they do, I want us to be as proud of who they are as we are of how they play.

Pitch peace.

The Lovely Miss Jasmine

If you are a regular here, you are well aware of the fact that I have a friend, Diana, who is struggling with leukemia. She just spent 43 days in the hospital, and I am taking her back again this Friday.

Diana often comments on the blog with the moniker “The Lovely Miss Jasmine” who is actually her dog, a Doberman Pincher. They were best buddies, Diana and Jasmine, so when Diana could no longer care for Jasmine last fall, we asked my Mom and Dad to care for her.

While Diana was in the hospital last week, Jasmine died. My Mom fed her breakfast that morning, took her for a walk, and then Jasmine decided to have a little nap. She died in her sleep, and considering that Doberman’s usually live 9 years or so (Jasmine was 14) it was a pleasant way to go.

After my mother called to tell me, I started driving to my parent's house to help. Jasmine was a very big dog to move, not to mention how upset my mother was. On the way, I was thinking of how to tell Diana. I knew I had to call, the hospital was too far away to deliver the news in person and still help my distressed mother. It was an awful moment, figuring out how to tell someone who is already suffering so deeply that there is even more bad news to be absorbed.

I read an interesting work of fiction a couple of weeks ago – The Grace That Keeps This World by Tom Bailey. In one chapter, a Catholic priest talks about listening to a veteran confess about the Vietnam War. The former soldier, in his fear, had shot an innocent man and failed to rescue an 8 year old girl being raped by other U.S. soldiers. He had carried the weight of his secret, and the sound of her screams, for many years. Bailey writes from the priest’s point of view, “There seemed to be no end to the stories he needed to tell. He spoke, and I listened, absorbing his words, each deed, every act. And as I listened I could not help but recall the story of Jesus’ taking possession of the demons and sending them into a herd of swine and then racing the mad, squealing bunch of them over the cliff….” (the demon story is Matthew 8:28 if you want to look it up)

I often wrestle with what the Apostle John meant when he wrote, “Walk as Jesus walked.” Absorbing my friend’s grief – the pain that was about to feel explosive inside her - was to walk as Jesus walked. There’s a lot to absorb with cancer, and I haven't quite figured out how to cast it all away. I wasn’t sure I had room for more. I sat in the car and debated whether Diana was better off not knowing, whether a white lie or two was justified just this once. As I struggled, I knew that choosing to lie was about self-protection, not friend-protection.

Sitting in my parents’ driveway, and taking a deep breath, I called Diana. I listened as she sobbed and told me how she had just dreamt of Jasmine the night before. Losing a pet is upsetting, under any circumstances, but as I listened to my friend grieve in her hospital room, I knew this was far more complex than anyone, save God, could understand.

Diana gave me instructions for burying Jasmine, and my dear father braved the snow to wrap her in her purple blanket and lay her to rest in my mother’s beautiful garden. Diana plans to plant some flowers there in the spring, a moment I will not only willingly absorb, but one I will choose to keep.

Comment Code of Courtesy

We really have a great group on this blog, but I read others - even Christian ones - that make me shudder because of the way we treat one another with the things we write. I have a great friend named Dave (a former church partner in crime) who posted this note and I am reprinting it. I did not ask permission, so I'm hoping that he read yesterday's post about forgiveness.

Preach it, brother Dave:

I will express myself with civility, courtesy, and respect for every member of the human race, especially toward those with whom I disagree—even if I feel disrespected by them. (Romans 12:17-21)

I will express my disagreements with other community members' ideas without insulting, mocking, or slandering them personally. (Matthew 5:22)

I will not exaggerate others' beliefs nor make unfounded prejudicial assumptions based on labels, categories, or stereotypes. I will always extend the benefit of the doubt. (Ephesians 4:29)

I will participate in community accountability by rating posts up or down based not on what ideas are expressed but on how they're expressed, and will flag posts that violate these rules of conduct. (Proverbs 12:18)

Imagine if the last election cycle would have been conducted by these rules. Did any campaign even come close? Does any church family come close?