Anticipation

I have been holding out on you a little. We found out, in early July, that my husband’s 44 year old brother has Stage 4 cancer in his liver, lungs and colon. His name is Chris, and my husband shared a bedroom with him for 18 years growing up.

His family has wracked their brains for where this may have come from with no clear answers, only a cloud of questions and bewilderment. Chris is a crazy healthy guy, an exercising nonsmoker, so his diagnosis brought shock and disbelief with it.

I began to fervently pray, anticipating what God will do.

Here’s the thing though – later this week, after 8 weeks of radiation and chemo, Chris has a scan to determine where things stand. As I wait for the results of that test, my anticipatory prayers are themselves embattled. I want to have the kind of faith that anticipates ANYTHING that God allows, whether healing or otherwise. I want to be the kind of Christian who recognizes a bigger picture than the here and now. I want to really get it, you know?

But as I watch my husband, his parents, Chris’ wife & children suffer in anticipation, my yielding to God’s will falters a little and I find myself wanting to dictate to Him the right thing to do. Please make Chris better.

And even though this isn’t even close to being about me, I tell God that after Diana’s death, I’m just not sure how much more my heart can bear.

I want to see it with God’s eyes. I even sometimes do. Jesus healed some people, and He walked by others. I can’t always answer why He did so, especially when disease seems to be sitting in my lap this year, but I can acknowledge that it is true. My struggle then, is not with why God allows suffering, but why He chooses to intervene when He does – or doesn’t. And not just in my world, but in the world.

So, while I attempt to answer the unanswerable, I will declare my anticipation – believing my heart will follow.