Dancing with myself

I got another job offer yesterday. Over the past months, churches have been calling to see what I’m thinking about the/my future. The church that called this week is in California, a good church, but here’s what happened…

I could not articulate my current status. ME – usually full of words – had no idea what to say. So, I was honest about it:

“I don’t really know how to articulate what I’m thinking right now, because I’m not sure what I’m thinking. I’m not in distress, mind you, just wordless.” To which the person on the other end of the phone said:

“You’re too valuable to sit and do nothing.”

I considered his statement. NOTHING?? Wow, I hadn’t really seen these past months as doing nothing. Sure, they’ve been the quietest of my life, but quiet does not mean empty. In an effort to receive feedback without defensiveness, I decided to make a quick list, just to evaluate the fullness of my recent months.

1. One day, when the writing was slow and my heart still broken, I turned on some music really loud and danced in my bedroom like I used to when I was 12. I danced with abandon and sang along with full voice. The Rolling Stones, Amy Winehouse, a few tender moments with Simon & Garfunkel…I danced myself to breathlessness.
2. I’ve made tons of new friends including Debbie, the cashier at the grocery store whose husband left her three years ago and she met this other guy but even though he’s really nice she isn’t sure how her children will respond because they are still so hurt by their father but she is having trouble paying for the house by herself so getting married again is a financially wise thing to do and she really does think she loves him because he listens in a way her husband never did and would I please pray?….we talk every Monday because she waits until I arrive to take her break.
3. I originally said I was going to clean out all the closets in the house, but I haven’t done that yet.
4. I read a lot. Early on, I read books about publishing, moved on to periodicals about theology, and ended up in fiction – a luxury genre I haven’t waded through in years. I just finished A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. I spent several days enjoying the author’s gift for words and ideas, his passion for his people, his style and tempo. After finishing, I realized that I had borrowed the book from someone instead of paying Mr. Hosseini for his work. Even though I had read every page, I went out and bought my own copy.
5. When JJ forgot his saxophone or missed the bus or left his Science folder on his bed or dropped his Math homework or lost his thermos or couldn’t find his cleats – Mom was here to rescue. I’ve made lunch all summer too.
6. Diana, my dear friend, struggled with leukemia this year. Guess who had the privilege of driving her to most treatments?
7. I wrote a book.
8. I’ve been all alone. After Steve leaves for work, and the kids go to school, I have been all by myself. Well, me and God. We talk a whole lot. When He’s ready and I’m ready, He’ll give me words.

Thanks for caring, and thanks for the offer, but I’m a busy, busy bee.