In the Shed

Deborah Palfrey, unfortunately better known as the D.C. Madam, was found dead on Thursday, May 1. Her mother, Blanche, found her hanging from a metal support beam of a shed, an apparent suicide. Palfrey was facing jail time for sex crimes against humanity (or something of that nature) so even though authorities found a suicide note, I have no doubt that the conspiracy theories will go on for years. Who was on her client list that did not want to be discovered? Ex-FBI agents will be on 60 Minutes detailing how it could have been a contracted hit and Sen. David Vitter’s whereabouts on May 1 are about to become an urban myth.

The San Francisco Chronicle ran a story about Palfrey a year ago that is fascinating and worth a look. The article is a study in contradictions, and if we are to believe everything we read, so was Madam Palfrey.

It is hard not to feel the aloneness of this woman. Most people could easily conclude that her isolation was her own fault, the result of unfriendly and aggressive choices, but after staring at her high school yearbook picture, there’s a question that still begs for an answer: how does a beautiful and intelligent young woman end up hanging in her mother’s aluminum garden shed? How do we end up so desperate for relief?

When I was a teenager, my father started praying a prayer that he continued to recite into my twenties. He asked God to insure that I would always get caught. When my father told me about this prayer, he said it this way, “I promise, God, that I will walk any road with her, through any consequence she faces, but please, Lord, let her get caught.”

There is no doubt that Palfrey made some choices that led to trouble, and her choices are now being cataloged all over the news. Palfrey was angry with old classmates, she shunned neighbors, and she threatened to expose clients. I’ve seen all of that in Adult Sunday School classes. Maybe that’s how she ended up in a shed, but we’re still singing hymns. It’s not so much about the bad choices we all make, but more about how we get despondent when everyone else finds out. We only get desperate for relief when we get caught.

I wonder how the world would look if we truly believed that God offers us more than a behavior modification program and we embraced the idea of process instead. Would there be a new found camaraderie in our mutual caughtness? Would Palfrey have been able to see her own choices as equal to those persons’ she perceived had wronged her? Our communal publicity would not be simply a deterrent, but I can imagine a renewed commitment to grace, less individual isolation, and free-flowing forgiveness, all the result of our processes being exposed.

God often challenges me about how I view the Bible. I have been known to reduce it to “The Book of How to Be Finished.” God asks me why I feel so entitled, living as if my yearnings and incomplete parts simply exist to be satisfied. What if being empty and unfinished is sometimes the whole point and some victories were intended to be short-lived?

Philippians 2:5-8 reminds us that Jesus became empty. He was caught, even though He never did anything wrong. Empty and caught needn’t take us to the shed. Perhaps they’re designed to show us the way to something entirely different. Conceivably, they may even lead us to celebrate. And you know what? Pretending we’re finished is a moot point anyway, because our processes are exposed. War, hungry children, and Deborah Palfrey are already telling on us, so let’s stop walking towards the shed and offer each other a taste of relief before we are any more caught.

Mrs. Blanche Palfrey,

I’m sorry you found your daughter in such a desperate place. I can clearly see how she got there, and I’m sure she was a beautiful girl who lost her way. I celebrate your Deborah today and assure you that you are not alone.