I had a dream last night that my blog was chasing me through a dark alley saying, “You’re late with your posts! You’re late with your posts!” It’s like the high school stress dreams that we all have experienced – you know, where you get onto the bus naked, or it’s the end of the semester but you didn’t realize you had signed up for Calculus, so you never went to class and now you’ll never graduate. Ah, the subconscious.I sometimes have a big problem being perfect. I try and I try, but as hard as I work at it, I cannot seem to reach the level of perfection that my subconscious mind insists upon. So, I used to handle life in two cycles. First, there was the “kill myself trying” phase. This stage usually included a diet, the reading of great works of literature, excessive use of Spray n’ Wash on the kids’ laundry, making all my husband’s favorite meals (which was in direct violation of the diet), and being on time. The other cycle was called, “take it or leave it this is who I am and you’d better just suck it up and deal with your own crap and leave me alone.” This stage was less people-friendly, involved French fries and People Magazine, but it allowed me to dig a deeper hole so that I’d have to try even harder when I cycled back around. Ah, neurosis.
When I inventory my subconscious in an attempt to discover where the need to be perfect came from, some of it is a product of growing up in the church. There was all this talk about behaviors, with a pinch of “by the Spirit” thrown in, but there was never anyone who clearly articulated how it all happened inside a life. So, I knew the catch phrases, but I did not personally understand what they meant.
Many years of tripping later, I have learned there is a third option. There is a place between striving and rebellion called living by the Spirit and it negates the other two because perfection is not required – cooperation is. The more I open my life up to God and cooperate with His work in me, the less I feel the need to perfect a person I was never made to be in the first place.
Ah, relief.
2 comments:
isn't this just what God wants ? What is inside you matters the most as oppose to what is on the outside. Perfection is all outer stuff while inside yourself what matters to God most could be totally messed up and twisted. Once the inside is at peace the outer image you portray will shine through all the clutter, body image, reading knowledge, cooking skills and ripped tie dyed shorts. Cool post you may have actually gave me some insight as to why Kate of John and Kate plus 08 in her totally obbessive strive to be perfect. Definately don't see her showing up for easter services in her jammies anytime soon.
militia207 ~ ~ ~ luving you just the way you are xoxoxoxox
I'm sure many were like me... growing up in my church I thought everyone was perfect, because everyone kept their sin tucked in tight while they crept off to church.
I don't think people were faking as much as unaccustomed to a culture of confession and spiritual dependence. But it left me--as a teen/young adult--thinking I was alone in my struggle.
Now I know everyone sins... too much. And I see a lot more evidence of healthy confession and spiritual dependence, though still not enough. Some of the good is because of my change to a Calvinistic environment... I wonder how much of my adult understanding is theological and how much is just growing up?
Post a Comment