Night vision

For many years, I struggled with insomnia – from 1989 to 2004, to be exact. I was not an unhappy insomniac. On the contrary, I had a dark, quiet world that was all my own and I used my time quite productively, rarely feeling tired the day after. I never had difficulty getting up when my children were infants and was often already by their cribs when they started to stir. One day, in March of 2004, I slept through the whole night and have been able to ever since. No big emotional event or resolved inner conflict happened that day that I can recall. I suspect I just finally felt tired.

The night before last, we had thunderstorms here. They were the loud, crashing, right-over-the-house kinds and I found myself awake once again. I listened to my husband breathe for awhile and thought of how much I love him. Noah woke up and we had a brief, but funny, conversation before he drifted back off. I unloaded the dishwasher, wrote a few words, folded some laundry and read parts of a book that I’ve been skimming. It felt like old times.

But yesterday afternoon was an entirely different story. I WAS TIRED! If I hadn't had a house full of kids, I probably could have slept all afternoon. In my groggy state, I smiled to think of how different I am.

It’s funny how people change. Some changes are subtle, others are enormous and obvious. Change is so important, so necessary. I have a friend whose husband, after 20 years of marriage, was upset because she had changed. Well, yeah, of course she had – in twenty years, God teaches you a lot of stuff. Over time, we begin to understand what is important, what we want to cling to and what is superfluous – and we change as a result.

I am trying to provide others with a wide berth for growth. It is tempting to categorize or hold each other to the past, but creating a space for others to change creates a space for me to be different too. A freeing space that, for today, I'd like to curl up and have a nap in.