Where the trouble is

I have been having difficulty with my knees since April. At first, my doctor performed two Lyme’s Disease tests – both came back “inconclusive” so she put me on three month of antibiotics which ripped my stomach to shreds. When I still had pain after the drugs were done (interestingly, I am most uncomfortable when I’m sitting still) I saw a rheumatologist. She asked me to show her where the trouble is, and so I gave her all the gory details.

Since that appointment, I have found myself in another painful spot – this time relationally. No need to give you all the gory details, but simply know that it’s complex. As I spoke to the person on the phone yesterday, there were hurtful words spoken to me, and the initial stab was hard to bear. Afterwards, I had the strangest moment when I remembered the rheumatologist words, “Show me where the trouble is…”

Oh! How hard it is to sort out problems, huh? Not only is it difficult to lovingly confront issues, it is near impossible to hear when someone else shows you where the trouble is in your life, isn’t it? To be the kind of person who honestly says, “Show me where the trouble is” in the middle of conflict makes you vulnerable, because people are not always kind or truthful, and yet it’s the kind of attitude that leads to real growth and healing between people. Someone counseled me once to take everything that someone has to say about me – even if it seems way off base – and search for even a kernel of truth that may help me grow. The kernel isn’t always there to be found, so it’s sometimes smart to throw out the feedback, but if I never search, then I may miss a great opportunity to see my blind spots – and I have plenty.

So, I’ve been diagnosed with Patellofemoral syndrome and chondromalacia patella which, in my case, is a result of Congenital Hip Dysplasia. It took 40 years of my weight bearing down on my knees incorrectly for pain to begin, but the problem was there all along. I just didn’t know it.

Diagnosing my hurting relationship is far more difficult. Long complicated words found on Web MD won’t reveal the source of discord, and I just may discover that some of these issues have been inside me all along, but I didn’t know it until the pain began.

Dear God, show me where the trouble is.